Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
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My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Death certificates are our last participation award.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)