I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
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boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?