me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
You Might Also Like
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Home is where your toilet is.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket