So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
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Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
if a cop pulls u over play dead
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot