My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
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20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Jesus Christ lmao
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My ideal weight is five million dollars
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.