– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
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[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
Best table by far
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.