I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
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Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.