Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
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I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Me irl
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT