Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
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Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
<—- homeless romantic
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Life with a cat in one tweet
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.