Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
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*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”