[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
You Might Also Like
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.