Woke up against my better judgment again
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Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.