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Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Who does Amazon think I am?
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My kitchen overserved me.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away