“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
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I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Seek kebab; not attention
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Good morning.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.