“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
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So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”