Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
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I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Is….Is this an option?
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Well, this explains it:
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
😅😅😅
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.