I’m having an out of money experience.
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The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
the Monday after daylight savings
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?