Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
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Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Tuesday
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.