Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
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If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
This is painfully accurate 😅
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys