Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
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BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.