PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
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A collection of me turning into random objects.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
All is fair in drunk and war.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Human are so complicated
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for