I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
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A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
absolute chaos
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.