Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
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The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.