[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
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Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.