me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
You Might Also Like
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]