Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
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Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.