a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
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I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
i hope my email finds you on fire
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “