ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
You Might Also Like
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
They also CAN sing✌️
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.