CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
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Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
“I wouldn’t.”
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.