“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
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My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton