I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
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“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Pat is about to own someone
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much