ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
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A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.