Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
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#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Going to church you guys need anything
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.