If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
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For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”