The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
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Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Easy enough.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
😩😩😩
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon