In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
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police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
$4 #usedbooks
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night