are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
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When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Worst bar ever.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
the dark web is just a goth google.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Last-minute gift idea!
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
What
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals