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On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Not messing around
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…