Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
You Might Also Like
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.