My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
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My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
boat question
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.