ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
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I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.