[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
You Might Also Like
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.