me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
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You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot