I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
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The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.