Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
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Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.