“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
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When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.