Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
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Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
“just sayin” who asked you though?
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Goodnight 🐶
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving