It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
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store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
5 ways to appear taller
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .