How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
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I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
set yourself free xox
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what