Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
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Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.